Editor’s Note: The following post is taken from a forum for parents on bullying. It was presented at Big Brothers Big Sisters of Broward County, Florida on January 11 2025 by Humanity Project Founder & President, Bob Knotts. The talk was titled, “Bullyproofing your child.”
Reading time: 12 minutes
Summary: Based on decades of our experience, the Humanity Project believes that parents can train their children to build deep feelings of self-worth. And in doing so, help their kids become “bullyproof.” The article explains why that happens and offers very practical tips about how to accomplish this.
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Good morning and thanks for joining us today. Together we’re going to explore some thoughts that may help us all better understand the problem of bullying by young people.
We of course all know that it is very important to talk with your child about bullying. Open communication with your kids on this topic is the only way to learn if they’re suffering from bullying … or if they may be inflicting it on others. I’m going to assume you already know this: Parents must talk with their children about bullying, openly and without judgment.
You probably also know to watch for signs of bullying, one way or another: For example, a child who seems more withdrawn or antisocial; changes in eating or sleep habits; unusual aggressiveness and so on.
And surely we all know how important it is in today’s world to keep close track of their activities online, where bullying can be so common and so damaging.
This is all very very standard advice.
But we’ll look today at something that’s quite different from conventional antibullying lessons. Instead, I want to help you “bullyproof” your child through our discussion. We’ll work toward making your kids so emotionally secure that no bully can really touch them, no matter what’s said or done.
So let me begin with a small experiment:
• Please think of the one person who causes you the most problems.
• The person who makes you angriest, hurts your feelings worst, even frightens you…
• Your “worst enemy.”
• Hold that thought in your mind.
• Now – let me gently and respectfully suggest that you may not have picked the right person, your true “worst enemy.”
• Because that person really is… you!
Realize it or not, that’s who it is. You are your worst enemy. So am I. So is each of us. As the famous cartoon character, Pogo, said long ago, “We have met the enemy and he is us.” I’ve written a 600 page book called “Beyond Me” that examines this very topic in detail… and explores solutions.
Whether we’re gay or straight, a person of color or white, Christian Jewish Muslim Buddhist Hindu atheist or anything else. No matter the particulars of us as individuals, we all suffer the same disease: self-doubt, self-criticism, self-sabotage.
Even most kids recognize they are their own worst enemy.
As the great psychologist, William James said: “There is but one cause of human failure. And that is man's lack of faith in his true Self.” Henry David Thoreau put it another way: “What a man thinks of himself, that is what determines his fate.”
These wise observations also apply to bullying. Because what’s true for you is just as true for your kids. For every child, in fact. Your kids are their own worst enemy. And that reality opens the door for bullies to do their damage.
Here’s why that’s true: Bullying only hurts if it strengthens doubts the child already has about themself.
Let me say that again: Bullying only hurts if it strengthens doubts the child already has about themself. In other words, the self-doubts we all have, including children, are openings for bullies to do their damage. Your child’s insecurities are the only weaknesses a bully can exploit to cause pain.
The child who feels they are… whatever their insecurity might be. Stupid, fat, ugly, unpopular, awkward, klutzy or anything else. Bullies will discover those insecurities and hammer at them mercilessly. But those taunts only do real harm if the child already believes them to be true in some way. The bully just confirms those self-doubts. And makes them worse.
Nasty comments never really reach a kid who is truly self-confident.
And that’s the thing I’d like to focus on here: How can you, as a parent, help to bullyproof your child in this manner?
Let me offer a brief personal story. I was bullied badly when I was in middle school. I lived in a small Ohio town. My neighborhood had a group of close-knit boys – and I stood out as different. They were more athletic and more social. I was a bit of a loner who liked to sit and read. I was smarter and got better grades. Most importantly, I was more sensitive. And yes, I suffered some doubts about myself, wondering if people liked me. Maybe I was too strange? Or too wimpy, or…? The bullies recognized my insecurities and made great sport with them. This went on for five years.
I suffered emotional damage from that bullying – and I still hurt from it sometimes. The feelings I endured during that period of my life have stayed with me.
But in my work with kids for the Humanity Project I ran into some young people who told me, “Yeah I’ve been bullied. But I didn’t let it bother me!” That’s when I began to better understand something: Bullying only hurts if it strengthens doubts the child already has about themself.
That’s why I took bullying so seriously as a kid… in ways that harmed me. I had existing doubts about my own value. But a child who knows their own value won’t be emotionally damaged by bullying, as I was. They will never have to deal with the kind of feelings that still trouble me.
Some young people do know their own value. Or at least can figure it out when they must. This is a Humanity Project video created by several of our high school students. It’s their ideas, their words, their drawings and their voices. And it makes a point about the things we are discussing.
The video’s character, Double T, was lucky. He already was resilient and fairly strong emotionally. He could see past the bullying and let it go. Most kids can’t.
So let’s explore some ways we can strengthen your child’s feelings of self-worth. And help make your child more bullyproof.
The Humanity Project trains kids to be stronger and more resilient emotionally. We help them recognize their own value as human beings. And we do this very deliberately. It’s the true goal of our “Humanity Club” program.
And based on our years of experience, we believe parents also must train their kids to feel genuine self-worth. Our work in the real world shows this requires conscious and frequent and consistent effort. And that this effort must have a single clear goal: to help the child really feel what it means to be a valuable human being.
This can bullyproof your kids by making them more self-confident – just like Double T in the video.
Now let me be clear. I have no doubt you’re a loving and caring parent. And of course you show that love to your children. That’s why you’re interested in this subject. You want to help your kids.
But that’s not the same thing as building their feelings of self-worth through the very intentional kind of training we’re talking about.
It’s not really that complicated. Or as tough as it sounds. For comparison, think of how great sports teams train their players to believe in themselves. And to win. They repeat the same basic message, over and over. Locker room signs, like: “You can do it!” Or “You are stronger than you think!” Or “Have a champion’s attitude!” And we hear on social media the inspiring speeches by coaches: “You guys have the ability to play your best today! We believe in you!”
The coaches train their players what to believe about themselves. And they teach them what to focus on.
Or another example: serious martial artists. They train by doing the same movements and exercises, day after week after month after year, so they can be ready when their skills are needed, whether in competition or in the street.
The good news is that human beings are very very trainable. Especially young human beings, the younger the better!
We use the same method at the Humanity Project. We train our kids to believe in themselves. With enough repetition, it works!
One of our signature programs is our “Humanity Club” that I’ve mentioned. We identify potential student leaders, then train them for weeks and months. Sometimes for a full year or longer. We help them understand our core values of self-worth, equality and respect for all people, teaching them more than anything else to believe in themselves. They then help us to adapt our program for their whole school, with our student leaders carrying those same core values to their peers.
This creates a more respectful environment at the school – and reduces bullying. But it also contributes to feelings of self-worth among students.
Our “Humanity Club” meetings always start with three deep breaths. We explain this helps them relax and focus on the meeting. But we also stress how valuable deep breathing can be in their daily lives. This contributes to greater feelings of well-being.
Then each student rises, says their first name and answers some question about themselves: “What’s your favorite book?” Or “What do you like best about the holidays?” Or anything else that helps them to build confidence when speaking in front of others and to think quickly in public.
Then we do a group repetition – every week. Our instructor first says the words enthusiastically. The kids repeat the words to us, enthusiastically:
“I am … somebody!”
“I am… special!”
“I am … important!”
“I am somebody!”
We follow this with a visualization. We ask our “Humanity Club” members to imagine a difficult situation they might face. Maybe a challenging test they will take. Or an uncomfortable situation among classmates. Or some problem at home.
And then we have them imagine using those same three words, “I am somebody,” to help overcome the situation. “I am somebody” gives them greater confidence, more with every week’s repetition. We tell them they can use those three words to gain confidence throughout their lives.
This training works because it’s not something most kids have heard before. They don’t get this clear positive message in school. And often not at home either. “I am somebody!” They enjoy it – and their psyches grow stronger because of it.
So… Are we really suggesting you do a loud repetition with your child each day? Not really, though there might be ways to adapt that idea to your own family.
What we are suggesting is that parents very consciously and intentionally find ways to send that same simple message to their child.
Every day!
In as many ways as possible!
And as often as possible!
“I am somebody!”
We want you to train your child over time to truly believe in their worth! Just like a great football coach teaches his team to believe in themselves.
Of course we know reality makes that hard for parents to do consistently. You have jobs and bills, you have shopping and meals and laundry. You have the everyday chores and struggles of running a family.
If you’re a single parent, it’s even harder.
We don’t expect a parent to ignore any of these challenges and responsibilities to spend every minute of the day sprinkling confidence and positivity over their children. But it is possible during everyday life to keep in mind the goal of training a child to recognize their own value. Their worth as young human beings…
“I am somebody!”
It’s not that hard. For example, you can find ways to show them their value. Not just compliments, which only go so far. It’s not possible to compliment a child into feelings of self-worth. But we can do this by expressing our genuine interest in their interests. In their talents, their hobbies, their activities. This sends a message to them that the things your child cares about are worthwhile… and so is your child.
Don’t let discouraging or negative comments about themselves go unchallenged. You know how this goes: It’s the child who walks into a room talking about how bad they look or how unpopular they are or how stupid they feel or anything else. It is always possible for a parent to respond, “I don’t see you that way” and then to find something positive to say – something that helps improve their perception of themselves. Make sure they know you believe in them!
If they ever are bullied, be certain they know you are 100% on their side. This is very very important. My mother made the mistake of questioning me about my middle school situation, asking what I’d done to deserve the bullying. In fact, I had done nothing but to be myself. Yet her doubts about me only made me doubt myself – and allowed the bullying to hurt even worse. Please, be completely clear that you believe what your child says about the bullying and that you will solve the problem together. I can’t emphasize this enough.
One good tactic to use now and then to help build your child’s self-worth: Let your child “overhear” you speaking about them to someone else. Hearing you talk to another person about how smart they are, or kind or skillful or whatever the quality – this can have a strong effect on a child if they believe they’re truly eavesdropping on your words. They are hearing your true feelings directly and unfiltered.
You might suggest social media pages with consistently positive or inspiring posts, as you will find in the Humanity Project’s social media.
You can also share videos that celebrate the value of human beings in some way. This deepens their feelings of respect for others as it strengthens their own self-confidence. Again, the Humanity Project has many great videos if you explore, and share, our YouTube Channel.
Here’s one brief example, a Humanity Project video that accompanies one of the lessons we teach our kids: the scientific fact that each of them and you and I and all of us… we are made from stars!
Actually, many adults don’t know this fact: about 97% of every individual was made inside stars long long ago! Look it up if you doubt this. There’s no other way to produce most of our body’s elements such as atoms of iron and oxygen and carbon except in the intense heat of stars.
We are each stardust. And the Humanity Project teaches this scientific fact to kids because it is yet another way to help them feel how special they are. And how special everyone else is too.
We encourage you to take a few moments to brainstorm other practical ways that you as a parent might train your child to be more self-confident. And so help make them bullyproof.
You already know that good parenting takes effort. I think it’s the most demanding and challenging task anyone can face. The Humanity Project believes that training your child to deeply feel their own value is an effective and meaningful focus for your parenting responsibilities. Not only will it allow you to bullyproof your child… This training in self-worth will construct a very solid foundation for your child to enjoy a healthy happy life.
What more could any parent want for their kids?
